Last night you drank. You drank a lot. When you woke up this morning, you peed for 4 minutes straight. Your head is pounding. Either the mid-afternoon sun barely peeking through the shades is blinding, or the gentle pitter-patter of rain sounds like a hundred hateful freight trains rushing by, depending on the weather. What are you gonna do, drink water? That’s a pussy-ass solution, bro! You need to go hardcore. You need carbs, protein, and grease. You need a sausage egg and cheese on a bagel, with hot sauce! It’s delicious, it’ll kill your hangover, and you’ll get a head start feeling productive for the day… until you stumble onto the couch to eat and watch Khloe & Lamar.
And yes I know I’m posting this on a Monday. Sunday’s are stressful. Deal with it.
- 1 egg
- a slice out of a roll of sausage
- 1 bagel
- 1 slice of cheese (or a small handful of shredded cheese)
- salt, pepper, herbs & spices, Frank’s hot sauce, etc.
Overly In-Depth Instructions
The concept sure isn’t hard, and I’m sure you all know the basics: cook the egg, cook the sausage, toast the bagel, make a sandwich! So I’m just going to tell you my personal method.
If you have two pans, don’t mind washing them both, and can multitask at a very basic level, then get a small frying pan and a small skillet (or 2 small frying pans). Or use a large one that will fit both the egg and the sausage. I use separate ones because it’s easier to control cooking temperatures and I don’t really mind the cleaning.
Take your roll of sausage and cut a slice out of it. The roll is only maybe 2.5 or 3 inches in diameter, so you’re going to have to cut a rather thick slice and mash it down on a cutting board so its wider and thinner. My bagel was rather large, so I cut it about an inch thick and squashed it down to under a half inch with my spatula to fit the width of the bagel. Get a ziploc to store the rest of the sausage in the fridge until your next hangover (tomorrow).
Put the pans on the stovetop and turn them both on so you can cook your egg and sausage at the same time. I set the sausage skillet just above medium (6) and the egg pan just below medium (4). If you’re doing them in the same pan, I would set it to just below medium but give the sausage more time to cook. With my two-burner method, they’ll actually take about the same time. How cool is that!
By the way, those sausage rolls are raw meat! For some reason I used to think it was precooked like hot dogs and breakfast sausage links, but it’s not, so make sure it’s cooked through.
Anyway, cooking the sausage is hella easy… just let it sit there. For the egg, cover the pan in cooking spray and crack the egg. When I eat eggs out of a sandwich, like on a plate or whatever, I prefer them over easy with a runny yolk, but in a sandwich it gets messy and you definitely don’t want to deal with that in your current state of mind. So after I crack it, I break the yolk membrane with the spatula and sort of spread the yolk as evenly as I can over the top of the eggwhites (see the photo). And keep the eggwhites from spreading around everywhere with your spatula so it will fit on the bagel properly. Time for seasoning! I like lots of black pepper and just a little bit of salt, and I often use ground cayenne pepper and paprika too. Today I’m just using black pepper and salt because adding too many spices can make it taste kind of overwhelming. Just sprinkle all of this on top of the egg before you flip it.
The sausage should be sizzling away by now and the bottom side of the egg is getting all nice and… yaknow, cooked or whatever. So flip them both! Put a slice of cheese on top of the sausage (I’m using colby pepper jack). If you have a lid for the pan, put it on over the sausage so the cheese melts better. Oh yeah by the way, your bagel should have been toasting this entire time, like since you cracked the egg. Go back in time and do that.
Back to the present. A minute or two after you flipped everything, it should not only be done cooking/toasting, but all of it done at the same time! The bagel dings, the cheese melts, the sausage and the egg are both cooked, so its now sandwich assembly time. So just put it on whatever order you want. The picture below is sausage, then cheese, then egg if you care to know (but why would you?).
Now is the part that makes it taste the BEST. Before you close the sandwich, apply lots and lots and lots of Frank’s Red Hot Original hot sauce to the bagel. It is the best hot sauce ever. It’s so good. In fact, I usually put Frank’s on both halves of the bagel. Get a cup of coffee or a glass of orange juice, kiss that hangover goodbye, and say hello to a delicious, late afternoon food coma with a side of E! reality shows.
Note that you can use bacon instead of sausage, obviously. But I think most people already know how to cook bacon. I also find sausage patties to be more filling.